Well what do you know.. its another year and i wasn't that much active here.. a lot happened to me.. sickness and illness, failures, enjoyment, new things acquired, new friends.. all of them came.. and i don't know if i responded well.
It has been quite a while when i started to be like this. I, myself, don't know my own body, what i want, what i need to do and my thinking(brain) is like its going to burst because i don't know much about myself. I cant sleep well thinking of it and it affects my daily life. I don't even know if i should consult a psychiatrist but i think it won't help also.
This sort of thing is like a big hindrance or to make me look a bit competitive, a challenge. The people surrounding me is getting affected because of my stupidity and all. Yeah, stupid, because i can't get things straight and my focus is out of this world. I don't know when this started or how i became like this, but i knew i was like this after i got sick.. and its just dengue.. i don't know if it affects the brain or something, but its a theory of mine that somehow affected me.. it might be because i was always in bed and so slow and sick and groggy.. in short im very weak.. until now i feel like im vulnerable.. i dont know which things should be prioritized, or is my life ending?
Right now im just bursting all the things that come out in my head and i only find peace when im relaxing. reading stuff like manga, news tabloids and all.. playing games.. and with this practice it also affects my studies.. even when im playing i dont know if im doing the right thing there.. i always make mistakes, of course not in reading though because it's fixed and constant and it doesn't change.. although in real life, this reality, making a mistake plays a big part in my life.. well its because its reality.. unlike in games you can load again incase you died or made a mistake or wish to change to another route.. real life is different.. you can't return to the past but only to reminisce what you did. its kinda hard to play in real life though, because basically, every movement, gestures, decisions and all sort of things that requires action has a meaning. if you did not pass a certain requirement you'll fail and when you fail, you fail bigtime! if you lost a game, it will forever be a burden.. if you lost someone, they won't return to life again.. real life really is mysterious.. and here i am blabbing all sort of things..
You see.. my mind is really confused right now.. i can think of different things, i can even make a story in a game or maybe a manga if i can draw well.. Something in me has changed and i want to find out what happened to me what im not aware of.. I even speak in english differently now.. Is my spirit at work or is this just who i am? i don't feel like im the usual self anymore.. It seems that the end of the world for me is the end of me. Will i be all right? Will things go back the way they used to? Will i be able to make things right? considering all the failures, and mistakes i made.. Will i be given a chance to redeem myself? All these questions keep bugging me.. and the last thing that always comes in mind is... Is the end near .... ?
- john paul matias
